i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
