Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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