My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
