Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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