I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
