my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
