I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
