So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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