epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
