So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
