my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
