Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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