I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
