I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just found puke in my bra..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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