Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
