not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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