I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
