My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
