In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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