So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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