I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
