When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it because I queefed?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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