I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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