We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
