I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
