I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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