Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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