thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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