he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
sex in a hospital.. check
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
