i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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