My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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