she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
