The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
