I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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