see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
