I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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