mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
