According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
