haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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