I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
