Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Couch. On fire.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
