I wish my penis had an off switch
home. puking in laundry basket.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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