The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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