I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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