I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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