Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
