My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please, let me fuck your mom
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
