We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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