i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
