your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
