I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
