How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
